I have new hair. I'd take a photo, but it doesn't show up that well in this light, and with a bare face I look rather, uh, hideous. But anyway, I have a sweepy sidey fringe-type thing, and it's been dyed chocolate brown with some nice bright pink bits through it.

But as is custom with my online diaries, I am here to moan. Or perhaps ponder. I think which of the two it shall be will only be determined come the end of the entry.

You see, it's obvious that while you stay, for example, in the same year at school with the same people, the populars will always be the populars, and the victims shall remain the victims. Obviously if enough of the same people from this year then all transfer to the next school, or an extra curricular thing or something, the structure of that mini society will stay the same. Most of the time, anyway.

My mum was badly bullied throughout her school life, physically and verbally, but as she went on with different stages of her life, she has become incredibly popular and loved. If I remember rightly, my dad suffered from some bullying through primary school, but as he moved up to bigger school, he became one of the most popular people there. Though I really don't know whether he was with the same people through all his schools or not. Anyway, they've both gone on to be well loved in their work places and to befriend anyone who treats them the way they should be treated.

It was obvious that during lower school I was be a victim, rather than a 'popular', due to the fact that I didn't talk. One girl, when we were 5/6, used to pinch me every morning before assembly. It's only as we grew older that we became friends, and I learned that she pinched me because she thought it would make me talk. She learned that inflicting pain on me only made things worse! The good thing about lower school is that as we got older, we all kind of became friends with each other. There was only one class in each year, ours being the biggest-a class of 32.

Things changed dramatically when we all went to middle school, and suddenly the rankings of popular, total rejects, and in-betweens became clear right from the start. I've often wondered why certain people were lumped into certain groups. My group of friends, all the incredibly unpopular, were also the quietest of everyone. But I don't see how this can have contributed to the division of groups, but it literally did happen from the first moment of school, when nobody knew who was quiet, who was loud, the smart ones, the not so smart, the rebellious etc. etc. I don't know whether maybe quiet people give off an immediate vibe. Actually, I guess I do know-you can judge a shy person by their body language as much as you can with anyone you would perceive as being a trouble maker, or confident, or extroverted, or whatever. So that's all a bit pointless really.

Anyway, as I got older, I talked more, and my confidence increased. Before all the crap with my old friends started happening, although shy, I was the loudest and most confident of the group-this I suppose I owe to them, and it's only due to their shyness that I started to come out of my shell. We can't all be the quiet ones now, can we? So I was the usual school victim of the more popular-just the usual school ribbing that the unlucky receive.

The negative experience with my old friends was extremely difficult-not just because of the fact that they used to be my friends, but because of the things they picked on. Specifics about myself and all the aspects of my life.

When I first went to the pub with my Tarly, I was nervous about meeting a bunch of new people, but also feeling quite confident. More so that I would have done many moons ago, anyway. I guess I still came across as being the quiet one though-except this time instead of being shy, it seems that people saw me as being obnoxious. It's still led to me being singled out for some reason though. Yes, I'm partly writing this because I'm hurt and feeling like a victim; I’m human, and that's the human side of me. But Miss. Psychologist is also drumming on my head trying to get her piece in. She's wondering why it seems to be me who's the only one receiving this kind of treatment. I mean, I know other people get the, I don't know, teasing for want of a better word-it's mainly a male thing, but I really do seem to be the only one who's being treated like this. And it doesn't seem fair. But apart from being hurt by it, it's just so unbelievably frustrating wondering why I'm 'the chosen one'. Especially when I try to get answers from the do-ers, and all they do is run away.

I do, however, have no problem with changing from a Friday night up the pub, to a Friday night in W.H Smith's-Tim's work friends seem lovely.

I've written a poem, but until I find out whether anything can be done about my email, I can't post it here, because I couldn't possibly be seen to be a hypocrite now, could I?