I'm no angel, but damn, I'm good at the falling.

I would say the girl is me, but my chest is far smaller than that. "Miniscule" in fact.

Man, I suck right now. I mean I really, really suck. I was on the board, and saw the name of someone, and immediately decided I wanted to be friends with her just because she has the same name as my old 'best friend'. That's how much I suck right now.

The other night I dreamt about another old friends kicking the length of my shin ‘til the whole thing was bruised, then telling me that I wasn't good enough for Tim, and that he was too good looking for me. When I woke up, I dealt with the present reality of someone else's friends not liking me instead. Wooo, fun!

I realised the other day that I actually don't seem to care about my sleep being really screwed up again. I seem to be in the frame of mind that if I'm not going out, there's nothing worth getting up for, so I might as well stay in bed forever. My health's slowly been getting worse, and I've not done enough to prevent it from getting out of control, so if I end up slipping back down to where I was, I only really have myself and my wants to blame. My confidence has of late dropped right back down, so that as soon as I see anyone who's anywhere near my age (this means anywhere from 9 to 30), I suddenly lose all confidence in myself. It is, of course, worse with people younger or the same age as me-everyone always seems to be older and more attractive. I used to feel like that all the time. Then I started feeling good about myself. But these days it's back to meh and getting totally insecure when I see people.

I've been neglecting my friends, and my AYME work. I haven't even found the motivation to mail people about quitting my AYME work, let alone get on with the job I'm keeping.

Three years after the crap with my old friends started, and 2 years after it finished, I'm still in dire need of closure. I still dream about them, and have daydreams, sometimes daymares, about what may happen should I ever run into them again. And yes, knowing my luck they'll suddenly decide to come back here and revel in the fact that I'm still so messed up from that, but I'm past caring. I don't even like myself right now, so why should other people? And to be honest there aren't that many people that I like right now either.

Part of me feels hollow, and yet it's not like I'm emotionless. Far from it. It can't only be me that thinks that's a complete contradiction, but it's how I feel.

I'm scared about my health, particularly as it was so bad today.

I really should stop going to the pub, not for my own sake, but someone else’s. If I can't get on with people, the next best solution would be to just avoid them so as not to carry on any of these feelings, right? It'll do my health good, and I'll just have to cut back on the time I see Tim or something so that I can see Tarly some other time. Or maybe I'll just move in with her so I can see her and stare at her prettiful fish very day. Though of course mine are far funkier.

Why is it that I always feel so guilty and insecure about moaning in here, or anywhere else?

See, I really do suck.

(sorry).